I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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