why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think I won the penis lottery.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
