I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
