btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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