I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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