Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
