there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize