I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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