If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
