last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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