I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
How external is "for external use only"?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
