Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I supernannyed him into submission
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
