sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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