What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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