Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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