He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
