I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
MIDGETS
????
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Randomize
