the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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