I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
