I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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