I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
