yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
