The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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