she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize