Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
