Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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