i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize