can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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