So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
