I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
