I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
