I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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