When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
my being single is dangerous.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
