my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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