you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
