bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
