my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
