was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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