I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize