God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
