I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
