someone threw a dead crab at me
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
