I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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