your thong is hanging out like whoa
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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