Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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