theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
