Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
