dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize