You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
