I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
