I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
