I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
