Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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