this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
