Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
