i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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